German-Kurdish expert breaks down marriage and divorce in the diaspora

Dr. Chnur Qadiri is a Kurdish researcher and psychologist based in Germany, with a particular expertise in martial issues among the country’s Kurdish diaspora. 
 
Qadiri says married Kurdish couples who move to Europe are less likely to divorce than second generation Kurds marrying in Europe, particularly at an early age. This is partly because Kurdish women are more likely to break out of abusive marriages in Europe, which is socially and legally “less accepting of violence” in marriages, she explained.

This interview has been edited for brevity and clarity.

Rudaw: Why is it so difficult to get data on divorce among diaspora Kurds? We understand it has increased in recent times, but there is no precise number.

Dr. Chnur Qadiri: It is particularly the case with those who have different [residence] statuses. There could be some people who hold German citizenship but come from a migrant background, or who are still refugees but have no status yet. Therefore, it has become difficult to obtain a precise number. 

What we do know is that two-thirds of first generation Kurds are already married [when they get to Germany] and they tend to marry earlier, have children earlier, and have more children. Those who got married before they emigrated, I would say they tend not to separate. The chance that they would divorce is slim. But others who marry early here, and at an early age, are more prone to divorce.

So, those who marry here are more likely to divorce?

If they marry early, then yes. The second generation here takes one of two paths. The first group is interested in marrying people from their own country, Kurdistan. The second group wants to establish married life here, not with Kurds, but Germans or other groups. A Kurd here is less interested in forging relationships with another Kurd.

What are the driving factors behind the divorce of Kurdish couples in the diaspora?

The main reasons behind divorce start from the social violence they faced before coming to [Europe]. But here, the laws and social atmosphere make women less accepting of violence. The second factor is extra-marital affairs. The third factor is gambling, debt, drug addiction, and unwillingness to work.

When a married couple comes to Germany, they have to adjust to the society here. Growth in familiarity with German society differs between men and women. Women find new spaces through their children. The men often face unemployment, or cannot continue to pursue the work they previously undertook. In this case, they lose grip on the role of taking care of the family. 

On the one hand, the man loses the role he once played; on the other, the woman is no longer obliged to continue her life with him. She finds alternatives to get by, financially and legally. She can make a living for herself, and ask herself, “why should I be bound to this violent relationship? For what use?

For the men, there are other difficulties; they will have to cope with a society with a negative perspective on non-European men, especially those from our region [Middle East], and especially in recent years, when they have been put under a lot of scrutiny...the men are portrayed as criminals and the women as victims.

In Kurdistan, children bear the brunt of a family’s collapse when the parents divorce, because there might not be an effective institution or system to support them and take care of them. What difficulties do children in Europe see when their parents get divorced?

Divorce for children, Kurds or non-Kurds, is harmful. The harm differs depending on the way they are treated by their parents after the divorce...Children may suffer psychological distress, fear and sleeplessness as result of violence between the parents. Even if violence is not used directly on the children, they may still witness it. That’s difficult for them.

I would say divorce is not always harmful for the children. If it means a disturbing atmosphere is removed, the parents undergo the divorce without problems, remain a mother and father for their children and continue to take on the responsibility of raising them, it may turn out positive for them so they can grow up healthily.

From a scientific point of view, does forced or child marriage have much of an impact on divorce rates?

It definitely does. The forms of marriage are a major reflection of the outcomes... The foundation of a forced marriage has been built with exploitation, pressure against one side, notably the girl who has not reached an age to decide on her future. Therefore, this crime, as I will call it, committed against the girl will become a problem which can grip her for her whole life if it is not resolved early. That is very clear. This is a deep wound, which based on our experiences with many survivors of child marriage, needs plenty of time to heal.

The legal age for marriage is set at 18 in Germany, but some research suggests that the legal age of marriage should be raised to 21. Which is better?

Both depend on their society and surroundings. I think in America they say it should be 21, and in Europe 18. And maybe in our society [in Kurdistan] one might say 16, or a little older. There are those who got married at 16 for love, staying together and growing old together, while there have been marriages that haven’t been successful even if they got married at 25...A 15-year-old who has seen nothing is different from someone of a similar age, who has seen many things, read many things and built many relations. So it’s difficult to get a result by comparing people by age.

Translation by Zhelwan Z. Wali